“Women can feel more.” Many people have been saying this for as long as I can remember. However, Psychologist Valeria Sabater is questioning this myth: “Men can be just as emotional as women.” Besides, she adds that “men can suffer much more than women during relationship breakups.
Sabater believes that it could come mostly from cultural conditioning because, for centuries, men have been taught from an early age to suppress their feelings.
And for her, the solution is as easy as understanding emotions like human actions, and allowing people to express them socially, ask for help, and heal without shame.
Stereotypes and cultural silence
According to Sabater, the problem is not biological—and it doesn’t come from nature either; she believes it all comes from education and social norms: “Men are penalized more for expressing feelings and showing vulnerability,” she explains. For centuries, masculinity was associated with strength, stoicism, and courage, while femininity was connected to fragility and instability. As a result, this speech has created a pattern, that even today, is very present: If a little kid learns that crying is “for weak boys,” he will turn into a man that will hide his feelings, even from himself.
This is why, when a breakup arrives, there are words missing to name how he feels, and not enough resources to handle it. From there, Sabater highlights two main ideas: “Men can even suffer more than women after breakups,” and “We need to normalize men expressing emotions openly without being labeled as weak.”
Normalizing it doesn’t mean to dramatize it; is more about being able to say that it hurts and to receive respect. It would probably be way easier for men to talk to friends, go to therapy, have empathy, with less judgment.
What does the investigation say?
The evidence supports Sabater’s message: A study published in Nature by the University of Michigan and Purdue University followed the daily emotions of 142 men and 142 women for 75 days. The result showed that men were as emotional as women, highliting Sabater’s message, “No gender is more emotional than the other.”
Another research from Lancaster University went further and suggested that men can have a worse time after romantic breakups. Why? Because many are taught to repress, and without emotional practice it is more difficult to manage stress, grief or rejection.
None of this means that men are condemned to suffer in silence; on the contrary, it means that emotional abilities can be learned, and get better with practice.
Emotional skills for everyone
In many cases men do feel vulnerable enough (and let themselves be), to open up about a problem or a feeling, but is usually to a women—because they might feel less judge since women are believed to be more “emotional” and “sensitive”. This happens a lot, actually; is less threatening for a men to open up to a wife, girlfriend, sister, mom… than to his best mate.
“The real problem is repression, dysfunctional upbringing, and outdated stereotypes that still shape us. It’s time to dismantle those ideas and build healthier emotional skills. Whoever masters the art of emotions masters the journey of life.” Are Sabater’s words of hope.
With her message she tries to promote emotional justice. Inspire families to listen without mocking, friends that accompany without minimizing. Schools that teach enough ways to express feelings and value empathy.
If vulnerability is not punished, more men would be able to say “I’m not ok” and look for support on time. Hopefully, times are changing, and we can see now how little by little, younger generation are starting to make emotions less of a gender thing.